In Post-Apocalypticon, the world ended six
years ago, and no one was prepared. The Flying Monkey bombs came out of
nowhere, and boy, it’s a hard fact of life that the apocalypse brought a whole
host of problems: roving marauders, trigger happy survivalists, strange and
life-threatening weather patterns, the occasional flesh-hungry zombie. In the
face of such ever-present danger, it can be easy to view food as a necessity
instead of a culinary art…but there’s no reason to lose our humanity just
because humanity has been completely and totally lost.
But to be
clear, humanity has been completely
and totally lost.
When it
comes to post-apocalyptic mealtime staples, your best bet is obviously going to
be beans. Packed with protein and loaded down with preservatives that were once
decried as dangerous but now praised as pure brilliance, most canned beans are
still good, even now, six years after the end of the world. They’re probably
reaching the end of their shelf lives, though, so now’s the time to tuck in! If
you have some compromised cans, you might find your beans a little moldy or
mealy. If that’s the case, you can brighten them right up with a little bit of
ground sassafras root or wild onion. And you can always mush them up with creek
water to make a tasteless-but-mostly-nutritious paste! Just make sure the water
isn’t from a source that’s been spoiled by death.
Of course,
the more enterprising survivors will cultivate their own vegetable farms! This
is an especially good option if you happen to come across a carefully protected
seed vault, in which case, you’ll almost certainly come up against a bunch of
other survivors willing to slit a whole lot of throats to keep the seeds for
themselves, so bring your sharpest sticks!
If you do
decide to plant your own seeds, you’ll want to pay careful attention to which
part of the country you live in. Not everything grows well in every climate!
For example, since the Flying Monkeys fell, Florida reaches an average yearly
temperature of 68 degrees, while Minnesota only gets up to an average of 64
degrees. That could be the difference between growing beets and growing
marginally-less-flavorful beets. Generally speaking, zucchini, tomatoes, and
potatoes are reliable crops, but you will
want to check your soil for Monkey dust before eating anything that grows from
it. If the dust seeps into the soil, it won’t necessarily kill you, but it will
almost definitely give your skin a light-greenish hue.
Which is
still a pretty small price to pay for not starving to death.
And, of
course, if you have no qualms with eating meat, even after watching the zombie
hordes tear apart your loved ones with their strangely well-preserved teeth,
there are some animal species that seem impervious to the Monkey dust, and are
therefore safe to eat. Buffalo, for example, make for a great jerky snack! Tigers
are also reputed to be in tip-top shape following the end of the world, but
good luck finding one in the wild on this continent. Oh, and domesticated cats
also seem particularly resilient where the disease is concerned, but please
always remember, you’re supposed to be the hero
of your own story, not some ALF-like horror-monster.
Thanks for stopping by to share your food for thought, Clayton!
You can find Clayton here:
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