FOODFIC: How to Be a Zombie: A Hands-On Guide for Anyone with Brains - Serena Valentino

I jumped right in with the zombie archetype quiz at the beginning of this book and discovered that I will be a zombster, meaning that I will travel in packs and consume whatever [I] want. 

Consume whatever I want?! Clearly, this Ms. Valentino knows her stuff.

Oh, wait! In the next section I learn about pirate zombies (another archetype, but not one of the possible outcomes on the quiz) which, of course, has to be my zombie form; they possess the highest intelligence of all the types (duh – have you seen any of the POTC movies?), are adventurous, seek treasure [over] brains, and are zombified with a curse rather than contamination.

But you can’t live on treasure alone, you say. Don’t worry; Valentino has a ready answer for that, too: the humanitarian zombie. This is pretty much what it sounds like – essentially, the zombie counterpart to the Cullens, only instead of hunting wild animals, some have ranches where they raise cattle, goats, and pigs. AND an entrepreneurial few [package and sell their product] to other like-minded zombies for profit. Yes, sir; green and green. Remind me why people think turning into a zombie is a poor career choice again?

Finally, to keep one’s palate from getting bored, the guide reminds us of several scrumptious preparations for brain around the world: fried brains Roman-style with lemon and bread crumbs, Indonesian cooked brains in coconut cream, and Cuban brain fritters, just to name a few. 

Okay, I think I’ve got a solid plan: when the zompacolypse happens, I need to be changed by curse into a humanitarian pirate zombster, after which I will commandeer a farm that I will run from my satellite phone as I sail ‘round the world hunting treasure and haute cuisine. Yo,ho, ho – it’s a zompirate life for me!